"You’re a Fucking Idiot" and Other Conversation-Starters

[A black luxury SUV parks across three parking spaces and a gaggle of tittering teenagers emerge and walk past me towards the pizza place]
Me:
You’re a fucking idiot.
Idiot Driver:[stops tittering; looks at his friends to make sure he has an audience]
What’s your problem, man?
Me:
My problem is that you’re a fucking idiot.
[pause]
It’s pretty simple, really.
Idiot Driver:
Your mother’s an idiot.
Me:
[suppressing a laugh]
Tell your dad I’m sorry about leaving those bite-marks in his ass last night.
[The teens freeze, and then run into the pizza place]
...
[A Big Shot tells a lady who is strapping her child into a car-seat to get out of his way]
Me:Excuse me, sir, but I’m giving a seminar and I’m wondering if you’d care to attend?
Big Shot:
[ignores me as he tries to shove his bulk into his car]
Me:It’s called, "How to Not Be an Asshole", and I think you’d really benefit from it.
Big Shot:
[surprised; annoyed; curious; still wedging his square-block into a circular-hole]
Really.
Me:
I can give you step one right now.
Big Shot:[playing along]
Really?
Me:
Yep.
Big Shot:All right - what’s step one?
Me:
Kill yourself.
Big Shot:[enraged but stuck halfway into his car]
Oh yeah?
[tries unsuccessfully to pull himself from his car]
What’s the next step, tough guy?
Me:
[pause]
Why don’t you take care of step one, and we’ll talk about the rest later.
...
[Three gregarious youths are playing football near my parked car; the ball squirts through a pair of hands that are frozen from playing in winter-weather and hits the front bumper of my car]
Me:
Nice catch.
Slippery Hands:[gingerly retrieving the ball]
Sorry, man.
Me:
[smiling]
I’ll make you a deal: I won’t call the cops if, and this is a big if...
[pause for effect]
...you let me show off my cannon.
Slippery Hands:[relieved]
Uh, sure.
[I take the hard-as-a-brick, slick ball and pathetically wing the ball one-third of the way to his buddy]
Me:
That’s POWER right there, my friend.
Slippery Hands:[embarrassed for me]
Um, yeah...seeya dude.
[he scoops up the ball as he runs back to his friends; they laugh and continue their horseplay, and this one encounter alone equalized my karma from the other two]