Bella, one of my puppies, has a dirty crotch, and this would bring her great shame if she was capable of feeling that particular emotion. As it stands, however, she is not, and dislikes the cleaning of said crotch immensely, as does my girlfriend. "I’m scrubbing that thing like you wouldn’t believe," the girlfriend says, after the fact, "and it just feelswrong...like I’m some sort of pedophile." I mishear: "A petophile?" "What?" "Honey, that’s not petophilia; Bella’s three-and-a-half." Pause. "That’s more 'unwanted touching' between two semi-consenting adults." The girlfriend, once laughing, is now tired of me. I tell her that, if anything, she should worry about being charged with 'aggravated poochery', and she tells me that I can clean Bella’s crotch next time. Sigh.