Tuesday, May 15, 2007

The Satire Umbrella

I was pacing around the parking lot of an East-Hammertown coffee-shop, as I am wont to do, when I happened upon a pair of almost electrically-coloured, shockingly blue-eyes; they were sitting in the head of a woman sitting on the curb and staring into me as though I was juggling lit sticks of dynamite, following my movements with an uncommon preciseness...and I checked on that, too, throwing in a couple of jab-steps and a few altogether quick, darting maneuvers to see if I could shake her, but no.
So, she and I chatted as I finished my coffee.
Once home, I realized what had been bothering me so much about Shelley the Republican, this fucking moronic site that is among a group that is beating me out for Most Obnoxious Blogger at the People Choosing People for Blog-Type Awardation Awards...
(Quick digression: I was psyched about being nominated for "Obnoxious Blogger" until I saw the sub-human, piece-of-shit vileness that was ahead of me in the voting. For the record, I’m obnoxious; these assholes are abhorrent, humourless motherfuckers who should be forced to watch as their loved ones get slowly fed to a pack of emaciated lions.)
...Shelley the Republican is so ridiculous, I’m loath to even include a link to the site, and it’s not because of this:
“...We’ve got to start fighting back if you don’t want your grandchildren to be spicks and you don’t want your daughter to marry someone called Mohammad.”
“It doesn’t make sense that we could stop the slant-eyes but we can’t stop the beaners.”
“...Chances are good that you think about sex just as much as a homo.”
As I wrote in one of the comments, there is no way that this site is anything but satire, in that there is NO WAY, I continued, that you people are this dumb; I didn’t want to include a link because they’re like a 9-year-old who wants attention and just discovered the word "cunt".
Satire only goes so far; used incorrectly, satire is saying "just kidding" after you’ve called a group of nuns "bible-whores" but didn’t realize that they could hear you...and calling a group of nuns "bible-whores" is much, MUCH funnier than anything they’re got going on over at STR (acronyms are SO space-aged and, like, futuristic). That, right there, is their real crime: they are not funny enough to use satire properly. I will give them their due for their pseudonyms, such as Tristan J. Shuddery, and some taglines (To prevent Sinburn, use Sonscreen; Let God open a new MySpace account in your heart), but, really, they’re just satirizing homophobic, racist creationists by being homophobic, racist creationists.
Once I got talking to the woman with the blue-eyes in East-Hammertown, I noticed drool hanging from the corner of her mouth, in and around the same time that I discovered the vapid look in those electrified-eyes...it was pretty clear that my usual banter about the idiots I run into on a day-to-day basis was going to be lost on her, especially once she began to claw confusingly at the brown-paper bag beside her that looked to contain a scuba-gear mouth-piece and a handful of uprooted dandelions, and rather than continue, I stopped short and abruptly smiled. She smiled back. I went on my way with a wink and a nod.
I could’ve continued, to resume my diatribe against idiots whilst speaking with, alas, someone who was mentally-deficient, but why?
Shelley the Republican, for extra-credit and a gold star, I’m asking you: why?

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