Superfly

I left the apartment the other day with my pants’ zipper un-zipped.

This, for the record, was not intentional.

I realized my mistake as I approached the high school (on business, mind you), smiling with righteous embarrassment as I closed my barnyard door.

This, of course, is not how the janitor and his tweenage-daughter saw it.

Janitor:
[appalled]

Whaddya doin’?

Me:
What?

[I look down at my fly]

Oh...

[smile]

Janitor:
"Oh" nothin’.

[steps closer]

D’you think my daughter needs to see that?

Me:
Me awkwardly doing up my pants? Surely she’s seen that before.

[pause]

Well, maybe not me doing up my pants, but...

[awkward pause]

...y’know...

[the Janitor just lets me keep digging]

...well, I’m sure somebody’s done their pants up in her...

[he’s going to kill me]

...um...

[oh, fuck]

...general vicinity.

Janitor:
So, you just happened to have your pants undone in front of a high-school with my daughter standing there?

Me:Yeah.

[frowning]

It could just as well have been a nunnery, a nursery, or a narcotics convention...the point is that my fly was open, and now it isn’t.

[pause]

Who saw me zip up is irrelevant.

[I try to walk into the school, but the Janitor steps in front of me]

Janitor:
Don’t you take another step towards my daughter.

Me:She’s standing between me and the sch...

[I double-take the daughter – her fly is undone]

...erm...

[I look at the daughter again, then I stare at the Janitor until he, too, sees his daughter’s fly undone – there is a looooooooooooong pause, and then the girl, who has been standing and watching, looks down and quickly does up her pants]

Me:
[as I start my now-unobstructed walk into the school, trying to hold in my laughter]
I am OUTRAGED.