I left the apartment the other day with my pants’ zipper un-zipped.
This, for the record, was not intentional.
I realized my mistake as I approached the high school (on business, mind you), smiling with righteous embarrassment as I closed my barnyard door.
This, of course, is not how the janitor and his tweenage-daughter saw it.
[I look down at my fly]
D’you think my daughter needs to see that?
Me awkwardly doing up my pants? Surely she’s seen that before.
Well, maybe not me doing up my pants, but...
[the Janitor just lets me keep digging]
...well, I’m sure somebody’s done their pants up in her...
[he’s going to kill me]
So, you just happened to have your pants undone in front of a high-school with my daughter standing there?
It could just as well have been a nunnery, a nursery, or a narcotics convention...the point is that my fly was open, and now it isn’t.
Who saw me zip up is irrelevant.
[I try to walk into the school, but the Janitor steps in front of me]
Don’t you take another step towards my daughter.
Me:She’s standing between me and the sch...
[I double-take the daughter – her fly is undone]
[I look at the daughter again, then I stare at the Janitor until he, too, sees his daughter’s fly undone – there is a looooooooooooong pause, and then the girl, who has been standing and watching, looks down and quickly does up her pants]
Me: [as I start my now-unobstructed walk into the school, trying to hold in my laughter] I am OUTRAGED.