[While waiting for the elevator, Dipshit Dad opens his door while still talking to someone inside his apartment]
Dipshit Dad:
Yeah; no frickin' shit!
[Dipshit Dad turns and sees me; he freezes, then turns and locks his door, settling in beside me to wait for the elevator; what follows would normally be referred to as a "painful silence"]
Me:
Did I hear you call one of your kids a "fucking animal" earlier?
Dipshit Dad:[exasperated]
I was talking to my wife!
Me:
[pause]
Ah.
[more hilarious silence; then, said silence is abruptly drowned out by the theme-music to "COPS" - I'm not kidding]
Me:
[broad smile]
Are your kids in there watching "COPS"?
Dipshit Dad:
[REALLY sarcastically]
Oh, is that a crime?
Me:
It should be.
[glare from Dipshit Dad - he's staring hard at the elevator-button, hoping that the light will go off, signifying that the elevator has arrived - there is palpable tension, with a glorious soundtrack of "bad boys, bad boys, whatchu gonna DOOO"]
Me:
You ever thought about watching your mouth around your kids?
[Dipshit Dad ignores me, cutting a laser-beam hole into the elevator-button with his eyes]
Me:Seriously.
[pause]
'Cause you sound like a fucking maniac in there.
[Dipshit Dad looks at me as though he's going to punch me; he doesn't]
Me:
[being an absolute shit]
Never crossed your mind?
[the elevator still hasn't come at this point; Dipshit Dad just stands there, sinking under the weight of his own rage]
Me:
Did you just say "frickin"?
[as soon as I opened my mouth, Dipshit Dad turned and walked towards the stairs]
Me:
[as the door to the stairs opens, I thrust my hands up into the air]
Victory!
A Surrender in Three Parts
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