Monday, July 16, 2007

Menace in 5 Easy Steps

Step 1:
Look like me.

Step 2:Drive to the mall and park as far away from the sporting-goods store as is humanly possible...maybe even in an adjacent parking lot across four lanes of heavy, humourless traffic.

Step 3:Buy an aluminum softball bat; watch with glee as the clerk only ties an itsy-bitsy bag around the handle as proof of purchase; offer thanks.

Step 4:Stroll through mall as people of all ages dive behind escalators, potted-plants, and benches to avoid you.

Step 5:

Once outside, walk with purpose towards your car, clutching the bat with both hands – not overly aggressive, mind you; make it look as though you could be either admiring said bat’s aesthetic qualities OR rushing off to beat-in the headlights of that luxury-sedan parked across three spaces; be polite and wave to the stopping cars – remember, they are only letting you pass because you look like a fucking lunatic, so be nice.

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