Saturday, February 25, 2006

The Guide to Filth: More Filth

Highbrow Fever
While often misconstrued as a malady of the upper-head area, this mostly temporary affliction is brought upon by the pretentiousness of over-thinking. Many sufferers complain of enduring low-brow “entertainment” just prior to the fever’s onset. Side-effects include excessive upward-nose turning, foreign-film-viewing braggadocio, and derisive sniffing instead of laughter. As with most superficial conditions, this particular fever can be cured with laughter; one viewing of Team America: World Police should suffice.

Uninteresting Story Cough
Oftentimes a good tool for indicating a certain level of distaste or boredom towards never-ending anecdotes, this habit can quickly become an over-used crutch for those with a short attention-span. Found in higher numbers at bars and late-night parties, anywhere alcohol has beaten down the barrier between interesting story-and-solipsistic blather, this easily-curable ailment is known to decrease rapidly once the sufferer is around interesting people. Also, for long-time sufferers, cough drops are recommended.

Ignorant-Pundit Nausea and Ceaseless Anathematization
Brought about by the inborn rage of watching a paid pundit miss the point, lie, or do no research, whatsoever, as to the topic of conversation. Said fury results in a queasy, spasmodic shifting around in one’s seat, followed by repeated attempts at emptying one’s stomach of the bile and disgust that sloshes around in the distended belly of the afflicted. While the antidote seems obvious (throwing something heavy through the TV set; writing out death-threats), the best results have been reached by just turning the offending television off…and maybe having a good cry in the shower for the fate of the world that rests in the ill-informed hands of moronic talking-heads.

Misapplication-of-Analogy Resentment
A psychological affliction towards those who cannot differentiate between an analogy and a simile, as well as those using an analogy unnecessarily, this resentment can boil and stew for countless hours if not dealt with in a timely fashion. A pocket-dictionary works miracles in such situations, as well as a tape-recorder, for immediate playback of asinine comments and to leave no doubt as to the offender’s lack of understanding in regards to the words that they are misusing. Also, as with the Uninteresting Story Cough, finding better conversational partners is key to avoiding this condition in the future.

Malignant Colon Discharge; Malevolent Defecation; Hateful Excremation; The “Shits”
Self-explanatory, this ailment is best rectified (so to speak) by avoiding whatever it is that was eaten/ingested beforehand, as well as taking the proper amount of time to ensure that all of the offending excrement, or “poo”, is shit out before any trips longer than five minutes are attempted. For plan-cancellation due to this unfortunate condition, use the phrase “dysentery”, as in, I cannot meet your parents, or your incredibly insane extended family, as I have come down with dysentery. For those less concerned about outward appearances, the following phrase also works nicely: It’s not just that I don’t want to spend an hour catching up with your friends from high school, but that I would rather spend my afternoon shitting out that horrific pseudo-Mediterranean “meal” from Thursday night then listen to you drone on and on about nothing more than who your high school sweetheart ended up marrying, and how much of a whore she is.

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