INT: A PLUSH MANSION OF UNSPEAKABLE OPULENCE IN BEVERLY HILLS - DAY
BRITNEY is sitting at a fine-oak table in a spacious kitchen right out of Home-Decor for Rich-People Magazine, tapping nervously on the table and chewing gum with her mouth open; this gum-chewing is more of a gum-smacking, and is very irritating.
Britney:
[calling off-screen]
Kevin!
Kevin:
[off-screen]
What?
Britney:
Could you come in here?
A rustling is heard off-screen; KEVIN emerges wearing an exasperated look; he was interrupted while doing...something.
Kevin:
What?
Britney:
[pause; chews her gum]
Could you sit down for a sec?
Kevin joins Britney at the table; there is silence, save for the constant gum-chewing.
Britney:Look; I don't exactly know how to say this, so I'm just going to say it...
Kevin:
[interrupting]
You're breaking up with me.
Silence; long vacant stare from Britney; the silence is eventually broken with more gum-chewing.
Kevin:
How could you?
[pause]
After all I've done for you?
Britney is still chewing gum; her expression hasn't changed at all.
Kevin:I mean, I'm your baby's daddy.
[pause]
That's gotta count for something.
Britney:
It's not that, Kevin...
Kevin:
[interrupting again]
Is it the rapping? 'Cause I've got hip-hop in my soul, and I've gotta let it out.
Britney:
[more gum chewing]
Kevin:
I've got haters! Just like Jay-Z!
Britney:
It's something else...
Kevin:
You're not getting all caught up in what the tabloids are saying, are you?
[pause]
'Cause all that partying? In Vegas? That's all...symbolic; it's a confirmation of our love...
[pause]
...with drinking.
Britney:
I've hired three cowboys from Mississippi to hunt you for sport.
Kevin:
[pause]
Really?
Britney:
[nods silently; starts chewing again]
Kevin:
When?
Britney:
Like, four days ago.
Kevin:
No, when are they coming?
Britney:
Oh...any time now.
Kevin:
I see.
[pause]
So...why?
Britney:
Oh, come off it, Kevin! You know how bored I've been lately!
Kevin:
Taking care of a newborn baby doesn't keep you busy enough?
Britney:
You'd think so, but no.
Kevin:
What about when he "fell" last week?
Britney:
Yeah; that ate up, like a day.
Kevin:
Well, that's just great, Britney.
[pause]
At least when I took that contract out on your life, it was out of hatred, not boredom.
Britney:
[chewing nonchalantly]
This is sort of a half-and-half thing.
Kevin:
[pause]
Well, at least now we're being honest with each other.
Britney:
[another vacant stare]
I tried to kill you in your sleep last week.
Kevin:
[pause]
What happened?
Britney:
I was too drunk to pull it off.
Kevin:
[laughing]
Having that kid really affected your alcohol-tolerance, huh?
Britney:
[rolling eyes]
I guess so...
Kevin:
And let's not forget about your figure.
Britney:
[chewing stops; a slow frown spreads across her face]
Kevin:
Oh, come ON! Don't tell me that you think you look good?
Britney:
I just gave birth, like, four months ago.
Kevin:
Yeah, cry me a river...
[realizes what he's said; laughs]
...so to speak.
[pause; he starts singing "Cry Me a River" by Justin Timberlake]
Britney:
[interrupting]
At least I'm not a 30-year-old wannabe rapper who dresses like a 14-year-old Eminem clone.
Kevin:
No, you dress like those balding fat chicks down at White Castle who don't realize that their gut-fat is hanging over their stretch-pants.
Britney:
I do SO realize that!
[pause]
I'm trying to fit in.
Kevin:
To your pants?
Britney:
With the other white-trash mothers who have nothing better to do than gorge themselves on mini-burgers.
Kevin:
[mocking]
Well, why don't you sing a song about it? Oh, yeah...because you CAN'T SING.
Britney:
[imitating Kevin]
"I'm the worst rapper in the world and I get no respect but I'm still an incredibly stupid dipshit..."
Kevin:
God, are you lame.
There are two separate knocks on the doors, one on either side of the kitchen; Britney and Kevin look at each other, and then get up to answer their respective doors. Britney opens her door, and it's the COWBOY, speaking from off-screen.
Cowboy:
Yee-haw! Let's get to rustlin' us up some Kevin!
A lasso shoots into frame coming up just short of Kevin; Kevin opens his door, and the well-suited arm of an ASSASSIN reaches into the kitchen holding a gun with a silencer attached.
Assassin:
Is now a good time?
Silence; Britney and Kevin look at each other; more silence. Then:
Britney & Kevin:
[together and to each other]
It's for you.
CUE THE LAUGH-TRACK;
FADE TO BLACK
